


an angel in the snow

by ratcarney



Category: The Grinning Man - Philips & Teitler/Grose & Morris & Philips & Teitler/Grose
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Personal Trauma, Sickfic, TW: Blood, canon body disfigurement, dreaming and nightmares, tw: gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:07:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26186920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratcarney/pseuds/ratcarney
Summary: when grinpayne falls ill and collapses after a show, he’s visited by visions of an angel with a familiar face. but not everything he sees in his fever dreams are quite so angelic.
Relationships: Dea/Gwynplaine | Grinpayne | Gwynplaine Trelaw
Comments: 9
Kudos: 23





	an angel in the snow

**“grinpayne?? grinpayne!”**

**“osric, help me carry him inside.”**

—

“give me one last moment with my son.”

the world around grinpayne shimmered. slowly, some of the blurred edges started coming into focus. the trees, the ground, the moon shining above.

“father.” he said before he could stop himself.

“we trelaws,” his father continued. “have always fought for what is right. for what is true.” he was but a silhouette with a voice, but grinpayne could make out the outline of a noose around his neck. recognition grabbed him by the throat and dug her nails into his skin. he knew where he was. 

“imagine the blade of bilboa in your hand, boy.” 

grinpayne looked down and saw that he grasped the hilt of a glistening sword. more dismayingly, though, was the way his hand held it. his fingers weren’t skin and bone, they were sanded wood. in the blade of the sword, he could see his reflection. his face was carved of wood, too, save for the gaping holes that marked where his eyes would have been. 

behind him, he caught a glimpse of a ghostly white figure with what looked like wings made from ice sprouting from its back. 

he dropped the sword. it met the ground with a deafening metallic clatter. 

—

**ursus had a hand over grinpayne’s forehead. the boy’s eyes were closed, and there was no movement underneath his eyelids. he may have been burning up, but he was out cold. ursus met dea’s eyes from the other side of grinpayne’s bed.**

**“dea.” he said, and she looked up in the direction of his voice, nodding slightly. “i’m going to the potions tent. stay with him, would you? i’ll be back soon, and osric’s right outside if you need anything.”**

**dea patted the blankets, searching for grinpayne’s hand beneath them. once she found it, she kept her hand over it, granting him comfort even when he wasn’t conscious. “yes, father.” she whispered.**

—

grinpayne blinked, and suddenly someone was holding him down. he felt a sharp heel in the small of his back. he was struggling, scratching at the frozen ground with desperate wooden fingers, kicking with wooden shoes. the heel in the small of his back only pressed down harder but he couldn’t muster the strength to howl in pain. his movements only got more frenzied as he beat the ground with wooden fists.

he could hear a conversation going on above him, but all the words were unrecognizable, like he was trapped underwater. grinpayne risked a glance to the sky. the moon had been replaced with a gleaming blade, curved sharp enough to kill. it looked like a smile, a threatening, glimmering grin. grinpayne caught his reflection again, but he had a human face this time. a human face with wide, crazed eyes and a real, human mouth. to his horror, he barely recognized himself. 

behind him, he caught a glimpse of a ghostly white figure with what looked like wings made from ice sprouting from its back. the figure granted him a smile, and then the blade came swinging down to meet his face. 

—

**“you’re scaring me, grinpayne.” dea murmured. “please wake up soon.” she felt his hand under the blanket, and his cloaked touch steadied her. “please.”**

—

grinpayne woke in the snow. or at least, he thought it was snow. his eyes were closed, but he could feel a malicious, damp chill seeping through his thin clothes, his skin, through his muscles and bones. it was almost numbing. he couldn’t feel his fingers.

upon opening his eyes, he realized that he was laying on his back in a snowdrift. he took a moment to register his surroundings. pine trees loomed above him, fading briefly as the steam that billowed skyward from his mouth and nose obscured them from his vision. 

grinpayne summoned enough strength to sit up, but once he accomplished his goal, he wished he hadn’t. around him, spots of crimson were blooming on the snow like little carnations. he coughed into his hand and blood spilled onto his palm. slowly, his nerves were waking up from his time in the soothing snow, and his carved face was starting to hurt. _badly._

he made a choking, guttural noise of agony, unable to cry for help. his face was burning with pain, and it seared up and down his body, rendering him paralyzed. if hell was real, this was what it felt like.

“poor thing,” he heard a soft, high voice utter. it cut through the deafening white noise in his ears and calmed him. when grinpayne lifted his head. drops of blood trickled out of his mouth and raced down his neck. he made another noise, a shaky groan that meant “show yourself.”

he could hear the faint rustling and beating of...wings. 

“grinpayne,” the voice murmured. 

grinpayne blinked. that didn’t sound like his name. the vowels and syllables were correct, but there was something about what the voice had called him that made him uncomfortable. it was _wrong._

the rustling of wings slowed to a stop, and grinpayne could feel the presence of someone next to him. he blinked his eyes open in time to see the ghostly white figure he had been seeing land in front of him. 

it was a young woman, her skin pale with a delicate layer of frost decorating it. her lilac wings were not made of ice, but covered in soft feathers. grinpayne narrowed his eyes. he must have been dreaming. 

the angel reached out to touch his face, and grinpayne flinched.

“easy,” the angel spoke in a silvery-sweet voice, like a perfect breeze blowing through wind chimes. “i’m not going to hurt you, grinpayne.”

there was no way for grinpayne to know that, but he was exhausted and in an _ungodly_ amount of pain. he submitted, going limp so that she could touch him. 

“poor thing,” she said again. she leaned forward and put the back of her hand against his forehead. “oh, grinpayne.”

 _that’s not my name,_ grinpayne tried to say, but nothing would come out. his jaw wouldn’t work to form the words and his vocal cords wouldn’t make the sounds. he couldn’t speak. 

her hand was freezing, like ice water coursed through her veins, but it was comforting. she stroked his cheek, not stopping at the chasm the scythe had created, so grinpayne felt ice on his gaping, bloody wound. his breath caught in his throat and he shivered, a full-body affair that left him drained of everything but the agony that burned underneath his skin. 

in the blink of an eye, the angel was behind him. grinpayne fell back. his body met with the angel’s lap. her skirt was made of fabric that had the same frosty crystal design on it as her skin. it was cold. so, _so_ cold. 

grinpayne looked up at the angel, realizing with a start that her eyes were completely white. they were beautiful, milky and pure enough for him to just barely see his reflection in them. he saw blood spattered across his cruel, carved smile.

the angel murmured something under her breath, her sightless eyes shining with pity. grinpayne shuddered as he felt her icy fingers card through his hair, but she didn’t stop. she hummed a song that grinpayne vaguely recognized, but there were no words. just a melody. 

after a while, snowflakes started falling from above. the wind kicked up, and the temperature dropped. grinpayne shivered, wrapping his arms tighter around himself. before long, he started trembling uncontrollably, his body shaking of its own accord. he couldn’t hang on much longer. 

then the snow stopped. 

he could no longer feel snowflakes on his skin. the wind stopped howling. everything calmed down. grinpayne opened his eyes cautiously, but he wasn’t met with the sight of the sky. instead, the angel’s wings covered him, sheltering him from the blizzard. he stared at her face, and saw a moonbeam dancing above her head like a halo. 

“ _angel_.” he rasped, the word scratching his throat and tiring his jaw. the angel looked down at him again with a faint smile. 

she reached into a pocket in her skirt and pulled out a cloth bandage. with her wings still harboring him, she motioned for him to sit up. 

he obliged weakly. the angel touched his face, getting a sense of where his wound was in order to wrap it with the bandage. she tied it on top of his head, and grinpayne felt his blood soaking through the cloth already.

“dea.” she said. “my name is dea.”

“ _dea_ ,” grinpayne repeated, and then everything went black as he collapsed backwards onto her lap.

—

**dea felt the edges of grinpayne’s bandage with care, gauging whether or not she needed to call osric and get a new one. it was damp with cold sweat. “poor thing.” she whispered. “hang on, grinpayne.”**

**dea kept her hand over grinpayne’s blanketed one as she called for osric. “osric!”**

**after a moment, footsteps approached. “what is it? is the lad alright?”**

**dea heard the concern in his voice. “can you get a bandage from the small wooden box underneath the bed?” she asked softly. “he needs a new one.”**

**“aye.” he said, and dea heard him kneel on the ground and rummage through the other boxes under the bed—the ones holding items for potions that ursus never let her or grinpayne touch. eventually, she felt a thud from below the bed and heard a colorful string of swear words.**

**“are you okay?”**

**“sorry—i’ve got it now.” he said. “should i just…?”**

**“can i have it?”**

**“yes, ma’am.”**

**dea reached out in the direction of osric’s voice, and the familiar feeling of a cloth bandage met her palm. “take off the one he has on now, please.” she ordered gently. “carefully, osric.”**

**after a moment, she heard osric inhale sharply. he had taken the bandage off.**

**“hold up his head.”**

**“yes’m.” osric replied. “i am.”**

**dea finally took her hand off of grinpayne’s and found the edge of the fresh bandage. before she could wrap his face, she heard him murmur a word under his breath.**

**“** **_angel.”_ ** **his voice was rough and hoarse, and it sounded painful, but it was definitely there.**

**“grinpayne?” dea’s heart started beating so fast she could feel it pounding against her ribs.**

**“dea, he’s bleedin’.” osric said. “he needs the bandage.”**

**“he said angel.” dea murmured.**

**“** ** _dea._** **his** **_bandage.”_** **osric’s voice was urgent now. dea had never heard him so terse.**

**she nodded and felt his face before laying the bandage on it and tying it on top of his head, just as she had done hundreds of times before. the sound of his voice both broke her heart and sent warm relief through her veins. “grinpayne, it’s dea.” she said. “can you hear me?”**

**“dea.” grinpayne murmured. dea could have cried. her name in his voice was a song from the heavens that she never wanted him to stop singing, regardless of how wrecked his voice was.**

**“grinpayne.” she felt his forehead with her palm. “grinpayne, it’s okay. i’m here.”**

—

grinpayne came to on his feet, in front of a crowd of people. his face was bound in fabric. 

“what happens next, father?” he heard a voice say. he turned his head toward the voice to face what looked like a wooden puppet, a good four feet shorter than him. its eyes were pearls, and it wore a purple dress. the voice was human, but the puppet moved on its own. 

“beauty has to tell the beast she loves him.” a gruff voice said from the shadows. 

grinpayne’s breath caught in his throat, his heart beating faster and faster. he hadn’t rehearsed for whatever this was. he didn’t know what he was doing. 

“i love you…” the puppet sang. “i love you!”

it looked at him, its white eyes somehow lifeless and expectant at the same time. it was waiting for grinpayne to say something back, but he didn’t know what to do. the silence was deafening. 

the puppet tried again. “i love you…” it sang. “i love you!”

grinpayne couldn’t talk. he couldn’t move. his eyes darted around, searching for something that would give him clarity, but that only succeeded in making him dizzy. 

“the prince is supposed to wake up.” the puppet finally told him. “wake up.”

finally, grinpayne found his voice. “i _can’t_.” he croaked. “i.. _can’t_.”

the puppet made a disapproving noise. “then i suppose the show must go on.”

before grinpayne could say anything else, the puppet grabbed his hands. 

“dance with me.” 

to grinpayne’s dismay, his legs started moving, but he wasn’t the one moving them. disembodied hands gripped his ankles and pushed his legs back and forth in some sort of jerky, distorted waltz. the puppet still had his hands in a death grip and pulled them back and forth, making his arms ache. 

“wait, stop—“ grinpayne mumbled. the world around him spun. “please…” the puppet and the hands on his ankles were picking up the pace, manipulating his body in a manner that became more and more frenzied and manic. grinpayne felt like a marionette, strung along and operated by a puppeteer with a cruel sense of humor. 

“stop.” he repeated, but his voice was getting weaker as exhaustion started to set in. his head was heavy—too heavy. it started to loll to the side, giving in to the tiredness that was beginning to become too much to bear. 

suddenly, two hands shot out of the darkness and gripped his neck to keep his head upright. 

“no, no, no…” grinpayne muttered. “please, no, i—“ the hands tightened their grip, cutting his words off. he choked. 

“breathe, grinpayne.” a familiar, silvery-sweet voice whispered. “stop struggling.”

in the darkness, grinpayne could have sworn he caught a glimpse of a ghostly white figure with what looked like wings made from ice sprouting from its back. 

_the angel._

“relax.”

grinpayne heeded her advice. he let himself deflate, his eyes sliding shut. 

the hands on his ankles let go and took his waist instead. the hands on his neck loosened and dropped. he was still dancing, but no longer a puppet.

“that’s right.” the angel’s soothing voice said. the hands on his waist were cold—colder than the other hands has been. their fingertips sent a familiar icy sensation searing throughout his entire body. “just like that.” when grinpayne opened his eyes, he saw the angel in front of him, guiding him in a proper waltz, smooth and slow. she stared back, her white eyes glittering. 

“ _dea.”_ grinpayne managed to choke out before succumbing to his exhaustion and collapsing into her. she caught grinpayne in stride and sank to her knees. once again grinpayne was chilled to the bone. he trembled, curling into himself. 

the air around the angel was always inexplicably cold.

they assumed the position they had held back in the forest, among the snow. grinpayne’s head lay in her lap and her hands lay atop his head. her chilled fingertips in his hair were both familiar and startling. 

“your kiss of life has opened my eyes,” she sang softly. “the place where my heart breaks you have mended…”

grinpayne frowned. he _knew_ that melody. he _knew_ those words. he just didn’t know _why._

“what did you say?” he whispered.

the angel continued. “your gift of love has given me life,” she sighed happily. “my sorrow and heartache you have melted.”

grinpayne listened intently, savoring each word as it came out of her mouth with a cloud of steam. he recognized the words from a song imprinted on his soul, but couldn’t remember the reason he knew them so intimately. these words held weight. they held _love_ and _longing_ and _safety_ and _comfort._ they held stories and jokes and fairy tales within them. the fact that grinpayne couldn’t remember why made him want to break down weeping in front of the angel, but he knew that any tears he shed would freeze on his cheeks before reaching his chin. 

—

 **“your kiss of life has opened my eyes.” dea sang softly. “the place where my heart breaks you have mended.” if anything was going to rouse him, it would be a song, but even though dea sang the words she and grinpayne had sung a million times before, it didn’t feel like a song. not without his harmony. the love that usually resided in the words, the fairytale magic, it was cruelly one-sided. it was a sad excuse for a song, dea thought. unfinished.** **_broken._**

**grinpayne always had a way of making her feel whole.**

**she continued the song despite herself. “your gift of love has given me life…my sorrow and heartache you have melted.” dea finished the lyrics in a whisper, unable to keep the melody without grinpayne’s voice singing along with her own.**

**she touched him, finding his collar and running her fingers along the edge of it until she could put her hand on his chest and feel his heart beating.**

**ursus entered the tent to see dea bent over grinpayne’s body, her hand over his chest.**

**“how is he?” he asked. dea looked up sharply, straightening at the sound of his voice.**

**“he needs his medicine.” dea frowned. “father, is there really no way we can give it to him?” concern radiated off of her in waves.**

**ursus sighed. he had gone back and forth with himself on this decision, and even though it made his heart twist with guilt, he knew that he couldn’t administer any crimson lethe. not until grinpayne was conscious again. “he can’t swallow, dea. he’ll choke.” ursus put his hand over dea’s. “i’m sorry. until he wakes up, he’ll just have to wait.” the words felt like cardboard in his mouth. he hated being the bearer of such bad news. he** **_hated_ ** **seeing dea’s face fall. but what choice did he have?**

 **to his surprise, dea removed her hand from below his. “hasn’t he suffered enough?” she hissed. “father, please. i can feel him** **_shake—_** **“**

**“dea...” usually it was grinpayne arguing with him, but dea seemed more than ready to replace him in that respect.**

**“** ** _father_** **.” she protested. “he’s in** **_pain.”_** **she said this as if it wasn’t obvious. grinpayne looked like a dead man. all of the color had drained from his face in favor of an ashen complexion that ursus did** **_not_ ** **like. dea was right—he shook like he was cold, but his fever was too high for that to have been true. ursus hadn’t been this concerned about him since he first came staggering into his cart as a trembling six-year-old child twenty years ago.**

**ursus only exhaled. “you have to step away, dea. i can’t risk you falling ill as well.” he stood. “osric will take you outside, and i’ll—“**

**“no.” dea stated plainly. “i’m staying, father. you can’t make me leave him.” her voice was unsteady, and she swallowed hard against the threat of tears. “you** **_can’t_** **.”**

**ursus set his jaw.**

**he could never say no to dea.**

—

when grinpayne opened his eyes, he was no longer resting in the lap of the angel. in fact, his surroundings were familiar, if a little blurry.

he saw the frame of ursus’s tent above him in the dim light. he felt a knitted blanket draped over his body. in the distance, he could hear sounds of nighttime; crickets and light gusts of wind.

he moved his head gingerly from side to side, testing the boundaries of his waning strength. to his left, he saw a young woman curled up on the floor, presumably asleep. her name came to the front of his mind immediately.

“ _dea_.” he murmured. 

dea rose immediately, practically jumping up towards the sound of his voice. “grinpayne!” she exclaimed. 

there was still something about the way she said his name that didn’t sound right, but he was too dazed to figure out why. 

he responded with a weak little moan, and through his blurred vision he saw her face light up. dea felt her way up from his chest to gently cup his face in her hands. “you’re alright…” she whispered to him incredulously, and grinpayne saw tears collecting at the corners of her eyes. “you scared us, my love.” her hands reached up and brushed his hair away from his forehead. 

“forgive me.” grinpayne croaked in a voice he barely recognized as his own. looking into dea’s eyes, it upset him that he made her worry. she didn’t deserve that. “i’m sorry, dea.”

dea shook her head. “no, it’s not your fault, grinpayne.” she promised, pressing her forehead to his. grinpayne closed his eyes and savored the soothing sensation, but it didn’t last long before he felt a sharp, searing pain from his mouth. he made a quiet, guttural noise, and dea pulled away. 

“your medicine.” she said. “i can give you your medicine.” she sounded relieved. “mojo!” 

_medicine?_ he tried to say, but his static vocal cords informed him that they were no longer assisting him in that area. he didn’t remember needing any medicine. 

grinpayne laid silent and still as a large black wolf bounded over to dea. it nuzzled her cheek with its nose and dea sighed happily. she grasped a small vial from around the wolf’s neck and deftly unhooked it from its lanyard. “there.” she said softly. dea turned back to grinpayne. “can you sit up, love?” she asked. 

grinpayne tried to muster up the strength to rise, but his body ached too much to use it. he still felt the pressure of hands around his neck, but the circumstances around the pain weren’t clear, like a detail lost to time. when had he been choked?

dea tutted. “i’ll help.” she found his shoulder and moved her hand upwards to cup the back of his head. 

grinpayne did his best to tilt his head forward so she could tip the contents of the bottle into his mouth. the liquid was bright red, almost blood-colored. it shimmered even in the dim light of the tent. he closed his eyes and let the medicine fall into his mouth.

he realized that that was a mistake not even a second later. 

the liquid coursed down his throat, leaving fire in its wake. it tore him apart, disintegrating his insides, but there was no way to expel it. grinpayne choked, and his hands would have sprung to his throat if he had the strength. each harsh cough sent him diving into more and more of a sitting position, and his body screamed for respite to no avail. his surroundings wavered and became distorted as grinpayne was plunged deeper into the throes of a coughing fit. 

he looked to his side. dea was gone, and so was the wolf. 

it could have been hours or minutes before grinpayne felt something dripping from his mouth. it spilled over onto his shirt, a crimson liquid that shimmered and shone. a wave of relief washed over him. the poison was finally out of his system. he waited for the burning feeling spreading throughout his body to subside, but it didn’t. he was still on fire, trembling with the effort of staying conscious throughout this ordeal. his throat burned white-hot agony. his insides were still ablaze. so what had been expelled from his body? what was soaking the front of his shirt?

he reached up and pawed at his face. the bandage that had bound it when dea had administered the poison was gone. he felt the gashes on his cheeks. 

he tasted iron.

_oh._

the realization made him inhale involuntarily, which sent him choking again, blood cascading from his mouth to mar the blanket with angry red. 

_the prince is supposed to wake up_ , he saw the puppet’s face in his mind, heard its high voice. _wake up._

he could feel his heart pounding in his ears. 

_wake up._

his body burned hotter and hotter.

_wake up._

suddenly, he felt the hands on his throat again. he felt hands grip his wrists and ankles.

 _wake up,_ **_prince._ **

“no,” he managed to say. “no!”

grinpayne started to struggle for both breath and freedom from his makeshift shackles. his throat was closing and fire was invading his lungs. he closed his eyes only to be met with a series of vivid, terrible images: a sword held by sanded wooden hands, a curved scythe reflecting the cold white light of the moon, snowbanks spotted with blood, a puppet with pearls for eyes. grinpayne saw a hanged man with eyes he recognized as his own, a woman leaking water from every orifice. he saw a clown’s bitter, coldhearted frown. he saw wolf’s teeth glistening with blood. he saw white eyes filled with tears. 

just when he thought he was going to collapse, he was met with the final image. he caught a glimpse of a ghostly white figure with what looked like wings made from ice sprouting from its back.

then everything went white. 

grinpayne blinked, trying to get his eyes to adjust in the bright light. 

“grinpayne.” he heard a voice say. he recognized it immediately. 

“angel.” he muttered. 

slowly, the light dimmed, and the world came into focus. grinpayne looked around. 

the room couldn’t have been bigger than ursus’s tent, but it was comprised entirely of ice. sheets of ice made up all four walls. grinpayne looked down, expecting to see his cot, but instead he found a block of solid ice. there was no door in sight, only another block of ice in front of him. 

the angel sat atop the ice block, her wings folded in repose. 

“where am i?” grinpayne asked quietly, testing his ability to speak. to his surprise, the words didn’t scratch his throat. 

the angel offered him a sad smile in response and rose, wordlessly stepping towards him. she kneeled down and pressed her icy fingertips to his temples. 

grinpayne inhaled sharply as everything came flooding back. 

he remembered collapsing onto the grass after the evening show. he remembered osric and ursus carrying him inside the tent to lay him on a cot. he remembered dea’s cry. he remembered the crimson lethe. he remembered his name. he remembered the scythe, the sword, the puppets, the blood. all of the little gaps in his memory had been mended with the angel’s touch. it was overwhelming, and grinpayne hunched forward, gripping the edge of the ice block to ensure that he wouldn’t collapse.

the angel waited silently. 

finally, grinpayne looked up. “it was a dream.”

the angel nodded. “all of it.” she sat back on her ice block. 

grinpayne blinked. “why?” 

“why what?”

“why me?” grinpayne shivered, the angel’s proximity turning the air even colder than it had been already. “why am i plagued with these visions?” he swallowed hard, his jaw tightening. he was unaccustomed to voicing this particular question, but he would be lying if it didn’t occur to him often. “ _haven’t i suffered enough?_ ”

“your prior suffering is of no importance when it comes to your visions, grinpayne. until you find the man who disfigured you, they won’t stop.” 

“that’s not _fair_.” grinpayne didn’t like the way his voice adopted a fragile, childish tone, but he couldn’t stop it. 

“nothing is fair.”

“what about you?!” he demanded. “you were present for every one of those nightmares. why can’t you stop it?”

“that’s not how it works.” the angel was very calm, and it only made grinpayne more upset. 

“then how _does_ it work?” the temperature of the room was dropping significantly, and grinpayne wrapped his arms around himself to conserve heat. the angel didn’t seem to be bothered. it angered him. “tell me how it works.” he hissed. 

the angel sighed. “i can’t do that. all i can do is save you when you get caught in those visions.”

“but i shouldn’t _have_ to get c-caught in those visions! i shouldn’t _have_ to relive my past!” 

“it’s out of my hands.” her tone was cold now, but not detached. “it’s _always_ out of my hands.”

“why?”

“grinpayne, i can’t tell you that.”

he narrowed his eyes, but the words “why not” died on his tongue. it was no use. grinpayne shook his head, staring at the angel. the helplessness in his voice disgusted him. he wasn’t a wandering child anymore, why was the angel determined to turn him back into one?

as he glared at her, something else came to his mind. “you said your name is, is dea.” he said. “but i-i _saw_ dea. the _real_ dea doesn’t have...wings.” grinpayne shuddered. “why do you say that you’re dea?” clouds of steam floated out of his mouth with every word. 

the angel chuckled, but there was no mirth in the sound. “you wouldn’t trust me if i took the form of anyone else.”

he supposed she was right. grinpayne exhaled and tightened his arms around himself. the chill was nearly unbearable. not even the thought of dea kept him warm. 

“why are they so _vivid_ this time?” he asked. “usually they’re, they're j-just nightmares, but this time i could f-f- _feel_ the pain.” 

“your fever is to blame for the vividness.” the angel tilted her head, her plaintive smile dripping with pity that grinpayne refused to accept. “they’re worried about you.”

grinpayne thought about dea, her eyes filled with tears as she tended to him. he thought about how she had been so relieved to give him his medicine, to help ease his pain. 

but that wasn’t dea. he knew that now. 

“what do you want, grinpayne?” the angel broke him out of his rapidly-darkening reverie with a question. 

grinpayne blinked. “what do... _i_ want?”

“what do you dream of?” the angel leaned forward ever-so-slightly. 

“you know what i dream of.” he responded darkly. “scythes, puppets, poison, and blood.” just saying the words made him shiver.

“not when you close your eyes.” the angel lifted her chin. “when you look out over the sea. when you witness a dying sunset.” a beat. “when you look into dea’s eyes, what do you dream of?”

grinpayne didn’t have to think about his answer. “ _peace_.” he said, the word tumbling out of his mouth before he even knew what he was saying. “peace. i want peace. for her _and_ for me.” 

the angel fell silent, waiting for grinpayne to elaborate. 

“and i want to rest.” he whispered. “more than anything, i want t-to _rest_.” grinpayne looked up, staring into the angel’s pearly eyes. “i’m _tired_.”

“of course you are.” the angel murmured. “i know you are.” 

grinpayne found himself yearning to lay down with his head on the angel’s lap again, but the spell was broken. now that he knew who and what she was, he’d never have that comfort again. 

no matter how desperately he wanted it. 

“i want _justice_. i want it all to end.” he fought to speak through the chills racking his body. “i want to stop hurting.” now that the angel had gotten him to think about it, grinpayne realized he wanted so many things. “i don’t want to _hide_ anymore. i want to know about my past—i want to _resolve_ it. i want to remember my parents and i want to bring dea to a new world. i want to keep her safe.” all of his desires spilled out of him like blood had spilled from his mouth back in ursus’s tent. 

the angel stared at him. if he didn’t know better, he’d say that she looked surprised. 

grinpayne swallowed hard. “i want to wake up.” he had never been so cold in his life. his body ached more and more with each weak beat of his heart. “i’m _sick_ and i’m _tired_ and i _want to wake up_.” he knew that he only had one more word in him before he was too frozen to speak, so he used it wisely. “ _please_.”

the angel nodded and kneeled in front of him again, her hands poised at either side of his head. 

“good luck, grinpayne.” she whispered. “remember what you saw.” the last thing grinpayne felt before his world went dark was her icy fingertips against his temples.

—

**grinpayne opened his eyes to see the frame of ursus’s tent once again. he felt air on his teeth. they must have taken off his bandage. he groaned softly, turning his head to the side.**

**dea was sitting on the floor next to his cot, her countenance tight with worry. she fiddled with her knitted purple shrug just to have something to do with her hands as she waited for grinpayne to wake up. she was beautiful in her concern, grinpayne thought. he wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to take care of him.**

**the angel’s words echoed in his head.**

_you wouldn’t trust me if i took the form of anyone else._

**he knew she was right. now more than ever.**

**“** **_dea.”_ ** **he whispered, and dea’s head snapped up.**

**“grinpayne…” she murmured, and put her hands on his chest. “oh, my love!” dea smiled despite the circumstances. it warmed grinpayne’s heart, and he realized with a start that he wasn’t cold anymore. he could feel his arms and legs. he could breathe without freezing air stabbing daggers into his lungs.**

**“i love you.” he mumbled. grinpayne had a million things to say to dea, but he supposed that he should start with the basics and wait for his strength to return before he told her anything else.** **_i want to keep you safe,_** **he thought, and hoped she’d hear it in the way his voice broke on the word “love.”**

**dea nodded. “i love you too. hush now.” she touched his face comfortingly. “don’t speak—i’ll get ursus.” grinpayne closed his eyes again as she called for ursus, who entered the tent with a relieved sigh.**

**“you gave us quite a fright, boy.” he said gruffly, but grinpayne detected the affection in his voice. “osric was just about ready to fetch the undertaker.” ursus kneeled next to his cot.**

**“father, the medicine?” dea asked hopefully. grinpayne’s heart skipped a beat. the last time she had given him medicine, it had turned to fire in his mouth.**

**“no…” he moaned. “dea, please.” he saw her hold the little vial of crimson liquid and it was only due to his lack of strength that he didn’t physically recoil.**

**“what is he saying?” ursus muttered.**

**dea frowned. “he said no.” she lowered her hand. “grinpayne, it’s okay.” her voice was soft.**

**“tell me you’re real.” grinpayne pleaded, putting as much desperation in his voice as he possibly could. “dea, please. tell me you’re real.”**

**ursus shook his head. “he’s delirious, girl. give me the vial, i’ll do it myself.” he reached his hand out, but dea didn’t move.**

**grinpayne stared at her. “please.” he begged.**

**dea patted the blanket until grinpayne could feel her hand on his. he slowly removed his hand from under it and found her hand above, gingerly intertwining their fingers. her fingertips were warm. soft. grinpayne felt some of the unease in his chest fade.**

**“your kiss of life has opened my eyes.” dea sang softly. “the place where my heart breaks you have mended.”**

**these were lyrics grinpayne had heard before, but they were different now. they were whole. they were stories and jokes and fairytales and he knew them all.**

**he knew every word.**

**“your gift of love has given me life.” he rasped. it was a hollow mimicry of the melody, but it did the job.**

**dea nodded excitedly, smiling. “my sorrow and heartache you have melted.” suddenly the little vial in her hand didn’t look as menacing anymore. it was** **_medicine._** **she wanted to** **_help_ ** **him. her grip on his hand tightened. “yes, grinpayne. yes, my love.” her voice dripped with sweetness, and grinpayne couldn’t remember the last time he had tasted sugar.**

**grinpayne breathed a rattling exhale, punctuated by a weak cough. she was real. he knew she was real. only the real dea would have known that the best way to prove herself was with a song.**

**“alright, alright.” ursus touched his shoulder. “don’t hurt yourself, lad.” he exhaled. “the medicine, dea.”**

**as he felt the crimson lethe slide down his aching throat, grinpayne was gripped by a sudden desire to tell them what he saw in his dreams. the medicine made him feel drowsy, but he couldn’t go to sleep again. if he closed his eyes, he knew the scythes and puppets would come back, and that was the last thing he wanted.**

**dea always said the truth would set him free, and he wasn’t lucid enough to lie.**

**with ursus’s hand still cradling the back of his head, he began to speak. “i saw...my f-father in the forest…” grinpayne murmured. “i, i had wooden hands…and two men were talking above me, holding a silver—“**

**“what are you talking about, boy?” ursus interrupted him.**

**grinpayne swallowed hard, willing his voice not to shake. “saw an angel in the snow…” those words felt frighteningly familiar on his tongue, and he could see a flicker of recognition in ursus’s eyes as well.**

**“hush. hush, now.” ursus said quietly, his face softening. grinpayne only ever saw him look at dea that way. vulnerable in such a way that was so unlike him that he couldn’t possibly have been faking it. “easy, lad.”**

**“angel?” dea asked. “what angel?”**

**ursus looked pointedly at her. “dea...“**

**“when you were tossing and turning about, i heard you say ‘angel.’” dea said. she placed the hand that had once held the vial of crimson lethe on top of grinpayne’s so that both of her hands clutched his. “what did you mean, grinpayne?”**

**“an angel with your face, your hair.” grinpayne mumbled. his world was getting shimmery again, his vision blurring. he groaned with the effort of keeping himself awake. “and wings made of** **_pure ice_** **.” dea nodded encouragingly, but grinpayne could just barely see ursus’s concerned frown in the corner of his eye. nevertheless, he continued. he had no choice. “she flew to me—** **_protected_ ** **me. she was so cold, dea.” he shuddered at the memory. “so,** **_so_ ** **cold.”**

**dea clutched his hand tighter.**

**“she asked me what i dreamt of, dea. and i told her i dreamt of...of keeping you safe. in the new world. i dreamt of** **_you._** **i dreamt of** **_us_** **.” grinpayne exhaled shakily. “we could** **_rest_** **.” he wished he could say more. more to convince dea that he wasn’t just saying this because he was feverish and in pain. he was saying this from the heart.**

**but when he looked at her and felt both of her warm hands on his, he knew that she believed him. throughout their entire lives, she had always been the only one that could see him for who he truly was.**

**the angel had to** **_ask_ ** **him what he dreamt of.**

 **dea already** **_knew._**

**she was his variable that the angel never considered. through scythes and wooden puppets, through waves of blood and storms of snow, dea would be there. always. grinpayne would never rid himself of his past. he would always see sadness and pain when he closed his eyes. but dea was his light in the darkness.**

**ursus rose from his place kneeling at grinpayne’s bedside. “i’ll get you some water.” he muttered, and left the tent. once he was safely out of grinpayne’s line of sight, grinpayne relaxed, letting himself sink back into the cot. dea let go of his hand and reached forward, looking for grinpayne’s head. he shifted towards her and met her halfway. dea touched his forehead with a small noise of sympathy, brushing back his curls.**

**“i believe you.” she said softly. “i can’t imagine what it would feel like to go through that, dream or otherwise.”**

**grinpayne breathed a shuddering sigh. “with luck, you never will.” he allowed himself to be touched and fussed over by dea, and it felt natural. “she said it won’t stop, dea. not until i…” grinpayne allowed himself a pause to catch his breath. talking was taking more out of him than he thought it would. “until i find the man who did this to me.”**

**dea frowned. “the angel told you that?”**

**“i know it sounds foolish, but…”**

**“i told you that i believe you.” dea placed a gentle hand on his chest, right over his heart. “and i’ll be here no matter what.” her words had a determined edge to them, an edge that grinpayne was well-acquainted with. “i _will_ help you.”**

**grinpayne thought about dea’s face reflected in a scythe. he thought about her wrists and neck gripped by cold, disembodied hands.**

**it scared him more than any of his visions had.**

**“when i rescued you from the snow, i said i would protect you.” he said. “this...is something i need to do alone. i would** **_never_ ** **forgive myself if anything happened to you.”**

 **dea tilted her head. “you saved my life that day in the snow.” she told him. “it’s only fair that i...** ** _repay_ ** **you by helping to fulfill your destiny, grinpayne.”**

 **“but you shouldn't** **_need_ ** **to repay me for** **_anything!_** **” grinpayne protested, his voice rising in volume. he winced at the subsequent pain in his face, having been too caught up in the moment to consider the consequences of crying out.**

**“shh.” dea soothed. “you underestimate me, grinpayne.” she tapped his chest with her fingertips. “we’ve gotten this far together, haven’t we?” her voice was soft, but instead of placating grinpayne, it only made him more upset.**

**“dea, my dreams tonight, they only convinced me that misfortune follows me wherever i go.” the feeling of hands around his neck still lingered. “i can't...** **_risk._ ** **..taking you with me.” grinpayne was growing tired. exhaustion was catching up to him, he could feel it in his bones, weighing him down as if they were made of concrete.**

**dea sighed. “but you risk leaving me behind?”**

**her words echoed in grinpayne’s ears. he stared at her face, close enough to commit it to memory. the angel used her wings to come and go as she pleased, but the more dea spoke to him, the more he realized that she was his constant. she didn’t have any wings, and grinpayne knew now that that was for a reason.**

**“dea…” he choked out.**

**“whatever you do, i’m with you.” dea smiled sadly, a truly sincere expression that grinpayne knew the angel wouldn’t have been capable of in a million years. “after all, my love,” she whispered. “haven’t you suffered enough?”**

**Author's Note:**

> special thank you to payton @brightas-arose and sophie @ladytrelaw on tumblr <333


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